recession hoops

This is what happens when a huge recession kicks in: the Church stop allowing people to play basketball at the Church because it costs too much to keep the lights on at night for a few hours. Also, the cost of constantly lowering the rims from the ceiling to its standard height is excessive. The solution? Put The Club on the rims (not to be confused with The Glove). I actually thought this was an ingenious idea considering that normally LDS people stop basketball games with wedding or party favors such as balloons and streemers draped all over the basketball goals (this was a requirement at my wedding that no streemers or balloons disgrace the basketball goals- so my wife and I danced to a Michael Jackson song for our first dance instead to make up for the lack of disgrace). I guess the powers that be correctly figured that balloons and streemers could easily be taken down from the rims should the general population desire to play hoops at night.

The fact of the matter is that putting The Club on the rims was completely justified. The Church had become a local recreation gym for the community, not its intended purpose. There were constantly 20 - 30 people at the Church late at night on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 pm until well past midnight. The lesson to be learned here? THIS IS EXACTLY WHY THE A GAME IS INVITE ONLY, and NOBODY (I mean nobody) is allowed to invite extra people unless approved by the A game brethren. Just last week I had 2 seperate people ask me if they could bring friends. The answer is "NO" (unless we need them of course). But for some reason people continue to ask if they can bring people and I'm forced to give the following response: "If you think they can compete, not expect to shoot much, and play good defense so it is still fun for everyone there, then be my guest." Needless to say, nobody brought anyone last week. But regardless, I'm sure I'm going to blow this picture up and put it on the wall during the A game so everyone will know the final, slippery slope, consequences of opening your mouth about the A game!

Also, these shoes made an appearance at the A game last week.

Later,

"Ali Faroukmanesh"

sportsmanship

Sorry for not writing for so long again. I forgot the username and password of the blog. I have to admit that Mark Titus continues to inspire me to write about my continued hopes and dreams to someday play in the NBA - also referred to as my adventures at the weekly A game. Even though I am 31 there is still that faint hope that I'll wake up one morning, drive by a traffic speed monitor, then be able to run, pass, and shoot like Steve Nash. Although I'd probably have to grow some too. Also, I'd have to get a really bad haircut, have friends call it the weasel, and support liberal agendas, say "eh" at the end of sentences a lot, the latter which I absolutely will not do. Anyway, whenever I am extremely bored at work I can rely on a recent Mark Titus blog post to get me through the next 8 minutes or so of my life. Most important, I've enjoyed at least three (3) times his video montage on youtube. Thunder and I have decided that once the A game blog gets 1,000 hits, we will post a video montage of our own. Though I have no idea how we are going to edit the darn thing. I wonder if I have that capability on my computer. So, the more times you refer people to the blog, and the more readers we get, the closer you'll be to seeing the A game in action - which should also help you get through your boredom, and the 5 minutes after that.

The reason today's post is entitled "sportsmanship" is because I was reminded of a recent occurrence in my church hoops career by Mark Titus' sportsmanship montage on his video you-tube performance. This incident demands attention on the A game blog. Since the subtitle of the A game blog is "church hoops at its finest," this story has to be told, in all of its glory, so you can join me in self-righteously judging these people. The second story is all about how glorious I am. Once you realize I am glorious, please tell my wife so she'll know.

The first story occurred last season during regular men's church hoops league. I think they call it elder's quorum ball, but the name of the league doesn't concern me, just the fact that I'm pretty much guaranteed to average 20 points and 10 assists during two 18 minute, running clock halves (halfs?). I should also mention that I probably only play about 75% of the time, if not less. Basically I could average more but other players on my team need to play. This is why it is elder's quorum league. So those people that don't generally get to play, have the opportunity to do so. This is why the following story is so perplexing. Church hoops, as its definition, is a league where all LDS wannabe's, has-beens, and never-were's, get to play ball.

There was no tournament last year in church league so basically the regular season champion was named the overall champ. My ward and another ward were undefeated with a couple games left to play in the season. We met head to head in what turned out to be the championship game.

To be quite honest, my team was a little over-matched. I mean their (hereinafter "Villain Ward") starting 5 consisted of two 6'4" very good post players, a former Univ of Utah player, a former Eastern Utah College player and another good player. My team is athletic and we have some skilled players but we were way undersized underneath compared to Villain Ward. It didn't help our chances that Air Traffic Control (named for his employment) "got a flat tire" and didn't make the game - horrible excuse! Like I said before, the game was a good one. It was closely contested throughout. We only lost by one in the end. But after the game I realized that none of the Villain Ward's subs had played a single minute. Ten guys from Villain Ward show up to play, but in an absolute disgrace to sportsmanship - and church league participation - only the starting 5 played! It must really suck to be a sub on a church ball team that doesn't even get to play. How demoralizing. This has to be just as embarrassing as being a male cheerleader, but I wouldn't know either way.

I asked my friend who plays for Villain Ward during the later stages of the game if any of their bench players were going to play, but I was told, "no, they can play in other games." At this point I felt like I was C&C Music Factory contemplating life. I was a little frustrated considering we had 9 guys show up, two of which can't dribble a basketball to save their lives, and yet they still played a decent amount of minutes (read "almost half"). But I also felt like I was a much better person than any of the members of the Villain Ward since I graciously allowed our bench players to play significant minutes in a tough game. There is nothing like being in the heat of battle during a church game to prepare you for the rigors of life, kids, marriage, and work.

This is also one of those moments where I wish I could go back in time, walk by the bench during a timeout, and ask why their bench wasn't wearing skirts. It's like the perfect comeback line that you just can't come up with in the moment, but realize it at 2 in the morning. And can we all agree now that being a male cheerleader is about as glorious as being on the bench for an entire church game? Check off the Villain Ward for areas I may move into in the future. I don't want to be in that ward ever!

The second story is also about sportsmanship, though in a good way. I actually find this story very humorous, though I'm sure it is more funny to those who were on my team, and actually there in the gym, than to people reading. I think it is humorous because this game was played against the single's ward. I think all things concerning single's wards are humorous for some reason. Even though we were up by double figures throughout the game, my ward decided we wanted to let the single's ward win so they could look better in front of their cheerleaders. And when I say cheerleaders I mean the entire single adult female section of the ward. All of these girls showed up, sat on the stage, got dolled up, made SIGNS and POSTERS for the boys, and cheered louder than any cheering section I've been to in years (excluding the BYU at UNLV game this year). My ears hurt after the game because of the high pitched screaming that continuously occurred. I wondered during the game if screaming louder got you asked out later that week? Or did making a sign for "Ryan" get you ice-cream and a movie Friday night? And why, when I played in 2 church ball games in college did nobody make signs for me, get dolled up, scream, and bat their eyes at me? Man, I must have been ugly.

So the reason I am glorious goes like this: somehow we found ourselves down by two points with under 10 seconds to go in the first overtime. We intentionally fouled some kid so he could shoot 1 and 1 and we could then hope to tie or win if he missed his free throws. As fortune would have it, he missed the front end and Air Traffic Control got the rebound. Air Traffic Control played at UVSC in Provo so as he was dribbling down court I fully expected him to go coast to coast, tie the game, and send it into a second overtime. So you can see why the girls were so loud. The excitement and tension was palpable. Their ward came back from a large deficit, sent it to overtime, and now had a lead with 5 seconds to go as Air Traffic dribbled full speed across half court. Once Air Traffic made it into the key, he rose up, saw me in the corner of his eye, and then dished (followed by a swish - I know spoiler alert but that's my favorite saying so I can't help it), where I was open and directly in front of the cheering section. I took a step back to get behind the line (killer instinct, I know - you HAVE to go for the win in this situation, and I was also trying to redeem myself for missing the first three that would have ended the game at the buzzer in regulation) and buried the 3 from the corner with less than a second on the clock. I pretty much still can't hear out of my right ear as the screaming endured from the moment I touched the ball, until it was capped off by the loudest "I HATE YOU" scream as the ball swished through the net. Game winner. Game over.

I'm pretty sure some of the girls were on the floor grabbing my jersey when I shot, but no matter, you can just call me Mr. Heartbreaker. I almost turned and said, "sorry girls, I'm married." But I just couldn't. Some of the girls were crying. Some of the single adults cried. I really think Nacho Libre was based on Adam Morrison, don't you? I think Adam Morrison cries more often now too since he is a complete bust, but it isn't for me to pass judgment, unless it is on male cheerleaders. So basically my glorious shot ruined date night for the girls. They all went home probably and ate gallons of ice cream, thought about how lucky my wife is to be married to such a clutch performer, and performed weird rituals on my voodoo doll.

And I still can't believe that my wife doesn't think I'm glorious!
______________________________________________________________

I know I've been lax on posts and the "evening wear" section lately (read "at all"). Just so you know the shoes pictured in the blog made an appearance a few weeks back and we've had at least 4 other new pairs of shoes show up in recent weeks as well. But I'll save another pair of those shoes for next post.

Later,

Psycho T

Poor Excuses

Before you start reading, please keep in mind that throughout this entire post you may wonder why I continually ramble. The reason is that I am blogging right after lunch and downing way too many calories at McDonalds. So basically this is a post-lunch post, which means I'm yawning right before I blog, which is exactly like Apollo Ohno yawning right before he skates for a gold medal in Calgary....huge pressure!

Ok, ok, I know. Enough already! I've been gone for two weeks and my adoring fans (I think there are a few of you even though nobody has the balls to comment - props to our one dude who did in fact comment recently). Alas, duty calls when you are old, have children, have more children and new baby is stuck in NICU for the last week and will probably be another couple days. Baby will be fine, no worries!

Anyway, I've thought a lot about what I should write in this next post and I'm honestly running out of ideas. Church hoops is really just a boring game with old people who are washed up. Even if the A game is comprised of former C-list basketball stars like a certain BYU coach's nephew. This nephew maintains he was not on the team because the coach is his uncle, though sometimes we beg to differ. I mean, I swear BYU plays at least some sort of defense, unlike this certain A gamer.

My post today is on the despicable (I'm usually a good speller but I admit I had to look up "despicable" - I'll bet you didn't know it was spelled with an E in the beginning either) act of not coming to the A game because "family is in town." Another poor excuse for missing the week's action is because "I don't want to abandon my family (or wife)." Actually, to be honest, the only GOOD excuse I've heard for turning down an invite to the A game came from a friend that is a cop and had worked a homicide that day where a baby was axed to death. And this was pushing it....

It still amazes me that people don't respect the A game for what it is. Every time I talk about the A game my wife rolls her eyes. She thinks I worry too much about who is showing up, how many people will show up, who is a ball-hog, and whether or not the single adults will be hogging the gym line dancing again. She is in danger of abandonment herself for such disrespect. Just kidding, baby! Can you make sure my shorts are washed when I get home for my pilates workout though? Thanks! And don't forget I like my jello green, with some carrots in it. Love you sugar!

Anywho, do you think Apollo Ohno will ever shave that thing on his chin? Why is it red/brown? Isn't his hair black? I have to admit that Ohno is really the only Olympics I've watched so far. All the other stuff is boring, except for Curling, which I absolutely love! It's like chess with all the strategy involved - and as a bonus people actually (kind-a-sort-a) exercise.

Back to the task at hand. My question is this: wouldn't having your family or in-laws in town be the perfect excuse to attend the A game? I mean, if my in-laws are coming into town I'm already devising plans on how I have a golf outing with a client that will go late into Friday evening, or Saturday I might have to go to the office for a while, etc. So I absolutely cannot understand how when I send out the weekly "who is in for tonight" text, I sometimes get the response, "I can't, family in town"; or "I have to pick up my father in law at the airport"; or "I've had to work late this week and I need to spend time with my wife." Ummm, isn't that what your wife is for - to pick up HER parents at the airport?

Also, we DON'T even start playing until 9pm! It isn't like we are going from 7pm to midnight. Shoot, most of us can't even play hard for an hour straight. And by the time the first game gets going it isn't until around 9:30 anyway! I guarantee your wife will be watching some show on tv at 9:30 anyway, your kids will be in bed, and anything to be discussed with your in-laws that is of relevance (such as "hey, how are you?") will be discussed when they arrive at around 5 for dinner. Hence, there is no reason for you to not make it to the A game. Essentially, there is no reason for family to take precedence over the A game. Additionally, I'm pretty sure you won't be doing anything unscheduled like they do on certain shows past 9pm on a Thursday, either. This is why that Lights show airs on Friday Night.

So props to 40-Band and Prefontaine who BROUGHT their dad to watch us play the A game when he was in town. He sat on the side and smiled the entire night. I mean, we are pretty entertaining. He even said so the next day at golf - my in-laws must have been in town then too. There are actually some dunks every now and again, lots of drive and kicks (followed by a swish), lots of laughs and free popcorn (but only if you bring it, pop it, and eat it while you watch). Cheering is allowed as well, but we haven't had any of that yet - at least not at the A game, and with this last sentence I have my next post already planned out - bonus for you all!

Peace out,

Psycho T

Defense...Defense...Defense...(and future features)

One of the things I have come to enjoy most about the A game is that, as a whole, everyone participating at the A game plays defense. Some defenders are better than others, and while most people at the A game can get a shot for themselves whenever they want, I appreciate that everyone has the desire to stop the other team from scoring - on every possession.

In the melee that is generally church hoops you will find that people play defense on only 1 or 2 possessions the entire game. This typically happens when the score is tight at the end of a game. Until then, it's basically whoever can outscore the other opponent the fastest should win. Not at the A game. For the most part every possession is precious, every shot is contested, every screen switched, and every rebound fought for. There have even been a few occasions of traps at half court, hedging on screens, and weak side help defense in the post.

I thoroughly appreciate these things because it reminds me of real basketball. The other thing that I enjoy about the A game's defense is the talking. You constantly hear people calling out screens, telling people to switch screens, get over the top, trap, etc. I also like that these things occur on their own, because for the most part, everyone at the A game understands basketball.

You reading little bro? Next time you come, the emphasis needs to be on playing D first!

But seriously, I've learned that nobody really cares how much you shoot if you play hard, solid D. Which is why I'm already excited for next week's A game...

I include the photo of the 09 Huaraches because Thunder and I are going to be releasing some new twists and turns to the A game blog. Starting out, Thunder is going to be creating an article called "Evening Wear" wherein he reviews people's new shoes, best and worst dressed of the night, etc. Also, we would like to have a letterman's jacket of the week contest so send in your pics of those and each week we will pick the best letterman's jacket to post on the site.

Later,

Psycho T

Lock Up

In basketball the term "lock up" is sometimes used as a reference on defense. As in, "little bro, it might be a good thing that you play some D and 'lock up' your man." However, in church hoops "lock up" has an entirely different meaning all together. You see, keys to Mormon churches are coveted assets. This confuses me for some reason however because if you are a member of the Mormon church and your tithing helped pay for that church to be built, shouldn't you be entitled to use that church when you would like?

Anyway, keys to our church have become "locked up" lately - in that hardly anyone has one anymore. It seems that the only people that have keys lately are scout freaks, which doesn't really surprise me. Scout freaks tend to be extremely uptight, self righteous, spend at least two nights a week tying knots, and don't consider sports - or the use of the basketball gymnasium for the purpose of playing basketball- a priority. In fact, I think these "silver beavers" (silver beaver) would rather see the basketball goals raised to the ceiling with some sort of over-sized merit badge for under-water-basket-weaving hanging from the nets as a representation of what their mothers achieved for them when they were younger.

But I digress.......Until I got my key (SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, DON'T TELL ANYONE BECAUSE I'M SURE THIS MIGHT BE A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE SINCE I APPARENTLY DON'T HAVE A REASON TO HAVE A KEY, APPARENTLY) I used to have to make phone calls to someone who I thought had a key in order for us to play the A game at night. But at times this would lead me to have to invite someone to the A game who probably shouldn't be playing in the A game in the first place, just so we could use their key. The "key-masters" (See: ghost busters) are becoming pretty chintzy on who is allowed to have a key, which is why I highly value my key - yes, the key I'm not supposed to have.

When I was a kid you used to be able to "break into" a Mormon church to play hoops. In fact, the church located in the Highland area of Pocatello, Idaho was so easy to get into when I was in college that the door may as well have stayed open permanently (just go to the South entrance and pull with the amount of muscle it would take my 3 year old to open the door and it will pop open). That's what we used to do - "pop" open the doors. Same with most gyms in the area I grew up in. But the powers that be got wise of this and again wanted to forbid the youth from entering and exercising, so they strengthened the doors. Now if you try and pop the door open you may as well just break the glass because you aren't getting in.

Once you've finally gotten into the gym you would think you are home free. Well, you aren't. You now have to face the obligatory "lock up" stare-down/comment contest from someone that is for some reason still at the church around 10pm with a suit on. It doesn't matter who this person is - or how old they are for that matter, or how little actual authority they have in the church - but as long as they are wearing a suit, and hear you playing hoops in the gym they apparently feel obligated to enter said gym and give you the "why on earth are these people exercising, losing weight, having fun, playing hoops in a basketball gym meant for basketball, on a weeknight, they look so shady with their long shorts and tshirts on, I'll bet none of them are even Mormon" obligatory stare-down. Once the stare-down ends (or they've walked through the gym a few times to see if they know anyone) one of two things happen, or both:

1.) The scout people/person will ask if anyone is even a member of the church in the gym. If the answer is a yes, they will want to know what ward you are in, and who your bishop is. If that satisfies them then they will recite your name in their heads for a while so in case something happens to the church they can blame you (I think I even had a guy write my name and phone number down one time); or

2.) This scoutmaster person will notice they recognize someone, stop the progress of the ongoing game, and ask that you please lock up the building when you leave.

The "lock up" statement is a given. So much so that whenever someone in a suit and tie walks through the gym now we've come to expect that we will be asked to lock up when we leave. In fact, I think most people simply stop playing and wait to hear "please lock up" before we resume play once the scouter has entered the gym. It didn't really hit me until one of our ACTUAL friends asked us to lock up last week - and 40-Band pointed this out to me. He really is the nicest of guys. But he still gave us the 3rd degree. I was mystified! He asked questions like "You guys come here often?" "How long are you going to be?" And of course, "Can you please lock up when you leave?" I found this completely entertaining, and a little annoying. Is it really necessary for this guy to tell 40-Band to lock up when 40-Band is older, wiser, has less hair, and has had more responsibility for longer than our friend?

Nonetheless, I realized that the scouters must have a "lock up" merit badge where they are taught to please ask people to lock up, shut down, turn off, whatever it is that needs to be locked up, shut down, or turned off. After all, their motto is "be prepared," right? (this scout apparently just hit a 3 pointer). I've also been wondering if this system is one continual, eternal, ongoing, never-ending system of scouters walking around asking each other to please lock down, shut down, turn off, etc. I've also wondered if the system even works and if said things ever get taken care of because they apparently don't since I'm the one always being asked to lock up - and I'm not even an eagle scout! Maybe scouts isn't working anymore!?!

Now, realistically I can understand why scout people would ask me to lock up when I was a teenager. Teenagers are notoriously irresponsible, even if they never got into any sort of trouble and only kissed 3 girls before they left on their mission, and only two of them was french. But it just cracks me up that these men continue to ask us to lock up especially since some of us are older, better looking, and more responsible (since we actually exercise and take care of our bodies - I'm not sure continual knot tying constitutes exercise, but my people are looking into it) than the scout people asking that we do in fact lock up. Of course, all the doors have previously been locked up before we even arrived and the only door open is the one we use to enter - which is obviously locked when we arrive, or when we start to see single adults arrive to line dance, or play volleyball or perform some other ridiculous activity in a BASKETBALL GYMNASIUM!

Peace out,

Psycho T

the Offensive visitor

Just because this is our fourth post in 2 weeks, please don't think that this will be the norm. In fact, my creative (read: non-creative) brain is almost out of ideas already. My A game blog thoughts are coming up about as original sounding as Shania Twain's music. But we press on, for now....

For the longest time I've been worried about my little bro's confidence on the basketball court. When he was a kid he had a deadly jumper. Then he got coached by a fool who changed his jumper (always an idiotic idea unless your jumper is completely broke like California) and got mad when my little bro didn't thank him for it. Well, I finally learned that little bro's confidence is back - even if it is about as blind as Helen Keller. Which I'm grateful for.

Every now and again the A gamers will have a friend or relative come from out of town to visit. It's inevitable that the A gamer responsible for this friend or relative shoots me a text asking if said friend or relative can participate in that night's A game. Since its inception, the A gamers have never excluded a friend or relative. However, I'm thinking twice about inviting my brother to play next time he comes into town - at least until he can demonstrate a proper defensive slide.

In his defense, the kid really hasn't played basketball since high school. He spent a year at Rameumptom University (www.byu.edu) then 2 years in the mission field in Armenia all with playing about as much as Nate Robinson has been playing for the Knicks lately. After his mission he came home and immediately got married which forced him to get a job, spend time with her, blah, blah, blah...Suffice it to say the time available for him to play hoops has gone down significantly. Though I don't really know why. Isn't there always a game going on at the Great and Spacious (www.byu.edu) somewhere?

So anywho, one of the last A games of 2009 occurred the week of Thanksgiving. My little bro (not a true A gamer so not deserving of a nickname) came and played with us. We were short on numbers for the holidays anyway so it didn't hurt to have him there - or did it? We played probably 10 or 12 games that night and I think I was on the winning team only once. Was it coincidence that my little bro was on my team the whole time? Probably about as much of a coincidence that Kobe or Jordan rarely foul out.

Little bro missed his first shot, a 3, by a good 5 feet. It looked awkward and my immediate thought was why is little bro (apparently he does get a nickname - "little bro" - there goes that rule) embarrassing me like Phil did Tiger when they played together at the Ryder Cup? I consider myself a good basketball A gamer, maybe not the best player out there, but certainly not the worst. Why is my little bro chucking up air-balls that couldn't find a rim if he were at the grand canyon? I felt like all eyes were on me. I could hear the thoughts of the other A gamers in my own head: "Apparently Psycho T got the basketball gene," or "I thought Pscycho said little bro could play," which would completely ruin my credibility as head coach (a nickname given to me by Prefontaine because I schedule the A game each week) because my ability to scout talent and keep the invite list going would be ruined.

Well, little bro settled down a little bit, started making some nice passes including a few drive and dishes (followed by swishes) to yours truly which were completely wet from the moment I let the shots go - as always. Little bro also started to make some nice layups in traffic on drives. However his 3 balls continued to look about as good as Shaq's free throws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ajn1H_33ovY).

Near the end of the night I was completely frustrated. The other team continued to pour in 3 pointers and my team continued to lose. I kept making everyone play one more game so I could finally get a win. It didn't happen - the win at least. I even kicked the ball (my own personal ball - not someone else's, which is a clear violation of church ball ethics) into the wall to ease my pain. I was getting extremely frustrated that nobody on my team would play defense. I was especially angry with little bro because he was absolutely not guarding his man. Now, this is the A game and everyone there can score. But this kid that little bro was guarding was also a fill in and anyone who played some good D on him would have been able to at least slow him down. However little bro's man continued to score on every possession. As my mind was about to explode and let little bro know that big bro was about to teach him a basic defensive slide, one of the most incredible statements I have ever heard was made. Someone liked little bro's game. How could this be? Yes, he was scoring a little on offense, but his man was making it rain (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K2v2XFYg_Q - notice the A game reference).

"PLAY SOME DEFENSE!" was all I wanted to yell. But I couldn't be upset with little bro. He is in fact, my little bro. And no matter how much defense he refuses to play, I will always love little bro. However, based on the comment made about little bro's game I was given my opportunity to clear the air and make the record straight and get rid of some more of my pent up loser frustration...Blessings really do come to those who wait.

So it went down like this:

Bagger (Named for the movie "The Legend of Bagger Vance"): Hey, Psycho T, little bro has played well tonight.

Me: Yeah, on offense...bada-bing...

The next day at Thanksgiving lunch we were all enjoying family company when inevitably the A game from the previous night came up as a topic of discussion. I was still a little sour at our lack of defense played the night before when Dad (named because he is my dad) said that little bro had been talking about how well he played the night before, considering he hadn't played since Tracy McGrady had last played either. To which I responded, "Yeah, on offense." However, little bro continued to brag about his performance and even gave his performance a name: "Flashes of brilliance," he called it. I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw the look little bro's wife gave him. That look of adulation and adoring care that her husband was a great A gamer. Upon hearing "flashes of brilliance" I fully expected angels to enter the room singing with flaming cherubim. My entire family was admiring little bro's performance without even seeing it. Little bro was so very proud of his efforts that he thought they were brilliant.

This takes me back to my initial statement of why I was proud of little bro considering I've done nothing but rip on him this entire post. A tear formed in my eye for little bro's confidence in his supreme, turnover-filled, lack of defensive effort. He was however focused on the great layups he made all night long. Way to keep it positive little bro. I'm proud of you!

However, next time he comes into town he's going to have to demonstrate a proper defensive slide prior to being allowed to play in the A game.

Peace out,

Psycho T

the Pick Up game

If you remember, the first rule about the A game is that you don't talk about the A game. The second rule is that no women are allowed to play at the A game - period (no pun intended).

Attractive, right? She got mad skillz, right? While I certainly do not discriminate against or discourage women participating in athletic sports - meaning, I think they definitely should definitely be allowed to definitely play, definitely - the worst thing in the world is to show up to church hoops and have a woman be playing. I don't care if it is on your team, or on the team you are playing against. It just flat out ruins the game. It makes the game slower, less competitive, and makes people not compete. And although I'm told that there have been times when women showed up to church hoops and held court for a very long time, I don't think they could do this at the A game, nor have I ever been a part of when a girl was competitive enough for the game to even be meaningful or fun. I'm seriously thinking this is just an urban legend.

I've participated in a few church hoops games, or the equivalent thereof, where a girl showed up to play with the men. Every time I've been involved in a female appearance at "pick up" basketball (pun intended ) she was an invite (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ndcb8Sco_g). Very few girls, if any, have the guts to show up to a men's game on their own. I think there are two reasons for this. First, most girls know they really can't compete, and second, because they have their own games to play in. Also, I think girls don't really live and die for sports like men do. They spend their time on less important things than church hoops such as cooking, cleaning, spending all of your anytime minutes on the phone with their sisters, and community service.

The games I've participated in with women are always somewhat awkward and not very competitive. My first experience was at a youth basketball camp at Laman and Lemuel A&M (www.byu.edu). It was my first time attending this certain basketball summer camp which made me and my friends about 13, maybe 12. We were playing a pick up game (no pun intended) in the Smith Fieldhouse when a BYU Women's basketball player entered the game. My friend ended up having to guard her. His immediate questions prior to the game were "how do I block her out," "what if I touch her coconuts," and "do I slap her on the buttock if she makes a good play." Of course as a 13 year old we all giggled while our hormones raged and wanted her to be spectacular so we could all touch her buttock(s) for good plays. I was secretly hoping she'd dunk and we could all bounce around and give her hi-fives, or something....(http://www.molaver.org/photos/misc/dunk.jpg). She was decent, considering we were 13, or maybe 12. But she didn't stand out. In fact, I still remember the fact that she was good looking (which was a surprising thing for me to see in a female basketball player because my Dad always referred to women's basketball players as Amazons) more than I remember her game. I think she made a shot or two, but she didn't stand out - and the game wasn't very competitive.

The third - and last - time (I know, I skipped the second but it's coming) I participated in a game that included a member of the fairer sex was right after I stopped playing college hoops - or was it that college hoops stopped playing me? There existed a lunch time game two or three times a week that included the football coaches, basketball coaches, and some of the basketball players at the university who had just graduated. On one particular occasion a female university basketball player showed up to play. She was actually a very good women's player. She was all conference and her team had gone undefeated in conference play and made the NCAA tournament. I specifically remember her for two reasons: (1) she wasn't very good at the lunch game, and (2) unlike the BYU girl, she wasn't very attractive and nobody really wanted to pat her buttock. It made the lunch game difficult and much less fun. Nobody wanted to guard her because it wasn't much of a challenge. And it wasn't like everyone at the lunch game could play either. The football coaches were decent, but not great. Everyone kind of quits when something like this happens and the competitiveness - and more importantly - flow of the game completely stalls. I shouldn't say this is a knock on women completely, because this happens with not very good men either. Anywho, my point being, women plus men's basketball doesn't mix, even in a church setting. I still contend and firmly believe that while the WNBA players are getting better, I don't think they could beat a regular high school varsity men's team. WRITE IT DOWN! (Also, the challenge is on. In the extremely rare event that someone outside of my family or small list of friends reads this spectacular blog, I challenge all women to 5 on 5 at the A game! Of course, we will need prior notice so we can get in shape as we are old and washed up...)

The second time - and point of this entire post - I was forced to play with a girl was at what I've come to refer to as "the official pick up game." My college roommate, and general louse (he once dated my lesbian cousin, though I don't think she was lesbian at the time - I'm still confused on this one), Spence (named for his uncanny resemblance to the King of Queens character, Spencer: http://images.dawgsports.com/images/admin/Patton_Oswalt_large_closeup.jpg) literally invited this chick to play church hoops with us to score a hook up. He even admitted to the whole charade at a later date.

Spence usually didn't play hoops with us. He wasn't completely un-athletic but he wasn't in the best of shape either. He also didn't attend school and simply worked as a bus driver full time. The chick he had his eye on was admittedly smoking. Each of us roommates wanted to break off a little somethin-somethin with her at one time or another (and when I mean break off a little somethin somethin I mean hold her hand and maybe kiss her - remember, we are LDS). And admittedly she was athletic, for a girl. I cannot describe how annoyed and frustrated I was that Spence continually invited this chick to interrupt our church ball game on not one, but two or three, occasions. I kept wondering why he was inviting her. None of us wanted her to play, even though she wasn't THAT bad. But it still made the games less fun.

I kept wondering why Spence wanted to keep ruining church hoops until my other roommate, little ricky (reason for nickname withheld), and I happened to notice that the front room of our house was dark one evening. Generally the front room of the house was a hot-bed of entertainment which began around 9 pm each evening - and was NEVER dark. Just like most college students our night-life began at 9 pm and ended around 2 or 3 am, at which point we had to decide whether to attend the next morning's classes or not, which usually did not end well for the attendance award at the end of the year... I digress. But on this particular evening it was quiet in the front room. So little ricky and I decided to go on a Teancum discovery mission. After army crawling our way through the kitchen from our room, and into the kitchen entrance of the front room, little ricky and I discovered this chick and Spence wrapped in a blanket making sweet love with their lips (hey we are Mormon, remember)!?! Finally the reasoning behind Spence's intentionally ruining of our game of church hoops became clear.

Needless to say, little ricky and I did not make his new sport of choice, tonsil-hockey, easy. We army crawled and snickered at them (mature, right?) at least 4 or 5 more times, thus interrupting anything that could seriously happen until she finally went home. At which point we confronted Spence. Screaming and yelling ensued. He admitted to inviting this chick so he could hook up with her. And golly-gee it worked. While I was happy for Spence's hook up - and jealous it wasn't me - I wasn't happy about the precedent it set. A few months later I asked this chick out on a date or two and her response was always "sure, let's go play volleyball," or "sure, let's go play hoops." We did not go on any dates. Mainly because I was not going to be the one to ruin a perfectly good church hoops game for others by bringing a female. And also because I wasn't going to be the one whose wife always came and played church hoops with the men. Imagine the fights I would have to get into - or step into - when one of the men guarding her would slap her buttock, or worse!!! Again, I digress as marriage never really occurred to me with this chick, considering we never dated, until this actual post was conceived.

Thus rule two of the A game was born, way before the A game was even actually occurring. This rule can only be broken under the following circumstances: if she has a cheer skirt on (legs shaved of course), and is willing to think you are the greatest church hoops player of all time - something my wife doesn't even do.

Let's just say Title IX probably won't be entering into the A game's vocabulary any time soon.

Peace out,

Psycho-T